The Locklear Letters Page 2
I apologize for any inconvenience this might cause you. This whole thing is just so petty and mean of Janet, but that’s the way she is. She hasn’t liked me since their wedding day (which is a long, long, LONG story involving her sister), and this is just another way to try to embarrass me in front of my family. (Normally, she’ll just say, “Sid, this is EXACTLY why no woman will ever marry you,” whenever something happens.)
Thanks again.
Best wishes,
Sid Straw
P.S. Oh, yeah, I almost forgot—Eat Wheaties!
P.P.S. Hope to see you at the software convention!
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Tom,
Okay, maybe I WASN’T joking…
Sid
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Sarah,
I’m afraid you’ve misconstrued my letter. My point was that there’s a lot of work to be done, and I could use some assistance. I appreciate that you’re very busy. I assure you that my job as Regional Vice President of Sales and Marketing keeps me quite busy, too. In fact, I’m hopping on a plane to Los Angeles momentarily and will hardly have a moment of free time in the next few weeks.
I hope we can put our differences aside and work together to make this the best reunion ever.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. Any luck finding a place for the Sunday brunch?
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Kate,
I’m glad we had an opportunity to talk through some of our issues last night. I completely understand how introducing you as my “girlfriend” at my brother’s birthday party might make you feel a bit uncomfortable, especially since we “practically work together” and have only “socialized” a couple times. It was a stupid thing for me to say, and I promise not to “take things too fast” or “jump to conclusions” in the future.
Sid
P.S. In case anyone in my family should ever ask, please tell them that you have a very narrow throat which makes it difficult for you to swallow, okay?
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Sorry I didn’t get a chance to see you while I was in L.A. for the convention. It ended up that I didn’t have much free time anyway. We had to set up our booth on Thursday night, and it ended up that someone forgot to order a banner for the booth. Fortunately, we found an all-night sign shop on Sepulveda Boulevard, and they were able to print up a sign just in time for Friday morning. It’s funny watching everyone walk from booth to booth, filling up their shopping bags with whatever knickknacks everyone’s giving away: Empire Software pens, IBM keychains, Grasshopper Computers mousepads, etc., etc. It’s like Halloween, except everyone is wearing the exact same costume: computer geek.
I did get a chance to take a walk through campus, though. It’s still gorgeous. Founder’s Rock. Royce Hall. Rolfe Hall. Pauley Pavilion. The Japanese Gardens. I sat on the step in front of Powell Library for an hour or so, and I swear it was as if I’d never left. Can you believe that almost 20 years have passed? It’s incredible, isn’t it?
Oh, I also stopped by Fatburger. They still make the best burger in the world. Of course, they’re not a dollar anymore.
Again, sorry I didn’t see you on this trip. I’ll see you at the reunion, though.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. You haven’t heard from Tom’s wife yet, have you? Remember, she goes by “Janet Dubose,” not “Janet Straw.” I’ll owe you a favor if you back me up on this one. Thanks.
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Big scene at dinner last night, and, unfortunately, it involved you.
As background, I met a nice girl through work a few weeks back. She works for one of our clients. Her name is Kate. She is a bit younger than me, but she’s very bright and witty (and, not incidentally, very pretty in an Audrey Hepburn type way, if you look closely enough). Well, we had lunch a few times, then dinner, then dinner and a movie…a fairly typical dating progression, I believe. The long and short of it is that I REALLY like this girl, and I mentioned that to Tom. Tom and Janet invited us over for dinner, and Kate was fairly excited about it. When I picked her up, she looked fantastic. White blouse, black skirt. She looked like an angel, Heather, an absolute angel. On the drive over, I realized I was barely paying attention to the road; instead, I was thinking, “I think I am going to marry this girl.” You know the feeling I’m talking about? The feeling where, suddenly, you’re very afraid of dying?
Then we got to Tom and Janet’s house. I reintroduced everyone, and we chatted briefly in the foyer before moving to the living room. When we sat down, Janet looked at Kate and said, “Can I get you something to drink, Heather?”
Kate looked puzzled and said, “My name’s Kate.”
Then Janet said, “Aren’t you Heather Locklear? I thought Sid was dating Heather Locklear.”
I tried to laugh and change the subject. I said, “Very funny, Janet. Why don’t you knock it off?”
Instead of stopping, she said, “I’m sorry, I got confused. Sid, haven’t you told your friend about how you used to date Heather Locklear?”
Kate looked at me with an expression I’ve never seen from her. Let’s just say she didn’t look like an angel anymore. I tried to explain that I NEVER said I’d dated you, just that I knew you from college and that you’d sent an autographed picture for Tom’s birthday. Before I knew it I was explaining how I had dated Tracy Swid, your sorority sister, and how you and I had taken a class together once (Dr. Katz, who fell asleep). The whole conversation was weird, and it created a tension that hung over all of us like a canopy the rest of the evening. I didn’t even get a kiss from Kate at the end of the night, which should tell you something.
Heather, I don’t know what to do to straighten things out with Kate now. I can tell she’s suspicious of me, but for no good reason. She wouldn’t even take my call this morning. And not incidentally, I feel like strangling my sister-in-law, which I assure you I WON’T do: believe it or not, it’s still illegal to kill someone in the state of Maryland.
Anyway, it is POSSIBLE that Kate may try to call you (or your agent) to confirm what I told her. If she does, PLEASE tell her about your sorority and Tracy Swid and Dr. Katz falling asleep. Please, Heather: I think I’m falling in love with this girl!
Thanks for your help.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
Flower Land
Dear Kate,
I know a guy who stinks you adorable.
Ted
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Kate hasn’t returned any of my phone calls the past three days. I sent her some flowers on Monday (gerber daisies), and she hasn’t even called to thank me.
Did she call you? If so, can you tell me what she said?
Thanks.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Please ignore yesterday’s note. I called Kate at home last night. Unfortunately, there was a mixup on the note from the florist, and she didn’t know the flowers were from me. It also seems she’s been very busy at work this week. Anyway, she loved the flowers, or so she says; I guess I have no reason not to believe her. I mean, what woman doesn’t love gerber daisies? (Unless, of course, a guy by the name of, let’s say, Steve Gerber broke her heart. Or she had a dog named Daisy that got run over by a car. Or, worst of all, if she had a dog named Daisy that got run over by a car…driven
by a guy named Steve Gerber!) We’re going to try to get together sometime over the weekend.
Sorry to bother you. I hope all is well.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. Did Janet ever call you about the autographed picture? I certainly hope she didn’t bother you. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be out of character for her.
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Flower Land:
I am writing to you to express my dismay over the flowers I ordered from your shop earlier in the week. You COMPLETELY screwed up the card!
The card was signed “Ted,” instead of “Sid,” which is my name. I am not now, nor have I ever been, TED! Making matters worse, it was supposed to say, “I know someone who thinks you’re adorable.” Instead, it said, “I know someone who stinks you adorable.” What does that MEAN? It’s gibberish! I assume you’ll credit my account.
Sincerely,
Sid (not Ted) Straw
Flower Land
Kate,
Sorry you’re so busty at work.
I hope these will make your gay.
Sid
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Not only haven’t I seen Kate in two weeks, I’ve hardly spoken to her at all. I sent her some more flowers (tulips) with a note: “Kate, Sorry you’re so busy at work. I hope these will make your day. Sid.” She NEVER called to thank me. (I checked with the florist, who confirmed that the flowers in fact were delivered.) I can’t begin to tell you how devastated I am by this: I’ve hardly been able to work all week.
Anyway, a quick question: did Kate call you or your agent? I’d really like to know. It could explain her behavior and help me figure out what to do next.
Thanks,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Please ignore the note I sent yesterday. I called Kate at home last night and she informed me that she thinks she’s going to get back together with her old boyfriend.
Oh, well. Back to being single.
Take care of yourself. I’ll look forward to seeing you at the reunion.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. Have you heard from Tracy Swid? She was a great girl, wasn’t she?
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Whom It May Concern:
I lost my girlfriend because you couldn’t get a simple note straight! I will never use your services again unless you do the right thing and credit my account.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
Sorry about writing yet another note this week, but I felt I owed it to you to give you another heads up.
I called Kate at work today just to see how she’s doing with her old/new boyfriend, and she said she wished I wouldn’t call her anymore. I asked if we could still be friends, and she said she didn’t think it was such a good idea. When I asked her why, she said, and I quote, “That whole Heather Locklear thing kind of creeped me out.” (That, by the way, is an EXACT quote.)
I tried to explain about how I knew you in college, how I dated Tracy Swid, etc., etc., but she didn’t believe me. Finally, I said, “Why don’t you go ahead and ask her herself,” then I gave her the address of the agency that represents you. So you may be getting a note or a call from Kate any day now. I’d appreciate any help you (or your agent) could give me in straightening this mess out. She’s an angel, Heather, an absolute angel. I can’t stop thinking about her. I don’t want to. There’s no way in the world that her old boyfriend could be better for her than I am. After all, he broke up with her once, right? Doesn’t that mean he doesn’t realize how special she is?
Thanks,
Sid Straw
P.S. Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Riceborough:
I have just reviewed your package in which you have returned all (or what appears to be all) of the letters I sent Heather. I can’t begin to tell you how disturbed I am by this—or how disturbed I imagine Heather will be when she learns you’re withholding mail from a college classmate. Unless I missed something on the nightly news, I don’t believe she’s in prison. Like any American, she has a constitutional right to receive her mail.
Now, Mr. Riceborough, I am returning my #!*!” letters in this envelope. Please make sure that they’re delivered to Heather AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. I hope you will not engage in such unprofessional conduct again.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
To the Mailroom,
Sam Haller and I are NOT the same person!
Please stop delivering my mail to him.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
Dear Sam,
I appreciate your sense of humor as much as the next person, and I firmly believe that creating a friendly work environment is essential to the success of Empire Software. That said, I am disturbed by the jokes you have been making at my expense since you discovered my correspondence with my college friend Heather Locklear. As a colleague, I ask you to stop making such jokes. They undermine my authority as Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing.
I’m sure you understand, and I thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
I don’t mean to stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but I wanted you to know how unprofessional Frank Riceborough has been. I know I may have had some kind words about him before, but I’d like to retract them. Not only did he open (and, presumably, read) your personal mail, but he also withheld it from you for months before returning it to me. Thank God there wasn’t something critical or time-sensitive in one of my letters! What if one of our classmates had fallen ill, for instance, and you hadn’t gotten my note? What if it were one of your sorority sisters? Imagine.
In any event, I have returned the letters to Mr. Riceborough via overnight mail and have asked that he deliver them to you promptly. I trust that he has complied with my request. I hope you will deal with him sternly. I know I would if a subordinate were opening, reading and withholding my personal mail.
I hope all is well otherwise.
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
P.S. Mr. Riceborough: Assuming you open and read this letter, I hope you will be decent and professional enough to deliver it to Heather.
Flower Land
Dear Kate,
Still stinking of you.
Ted
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Mr. Riceborough:
STOP RETURNING MY LETTERS!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
THIS NOTE IS NOT TO BE READ BY,
OR GIVEN TO, FRANK RICEBOROUGH!
Dear Heather,
I just thought you should know that our friend Mr. Riceborough is still opening, reading and returning the personal letters I’ve sent you. This is getting ridiculous. I don’t normally give unsolicited advice, but you may want to think about taking steps to have his employment terminated.
I hope all is well and that you’ll be able to make it to the reunion. It’s just a short drive for you!
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Riceborough:
Let me put this in language even you can understand: STOP RETURNING MY GODDAMNED LETTERS, YOU RAT BASTARD!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Sarah,
I haven’t heard from you. Have you had any luck finding a place for Sunday brunch for reunion weekend.
Let’s talk soon.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Callahan:
I am in receipt of your letter threatening to obtain a restraining order to ensure that I at all times “maintain a distance of 100 yards from Mr. Frank Riceborough.”
Your letter was entirely unnecessary. First, I have no interest in harming Mr. Riceborough. I am not a violent person. In fact, I make annual contributions to Greenpeace.
Second, I LIVE IN BALTIMORE, MARYLAND! As such, I will be maintaining a distance of approximately TWO THOUSAND MILES from Mr. Riceborough.