The Locklear Letters Read online

  the

  LOCKLEAR

  LETTERS

  a novel in letters by Michael Kun

  ebook ISBN: 978-1-59692-960-9

  M P Publishing Limited

  12 Strathallan Crescent

  Douglas

  Isle of Man

  IM2 4NR

  via United Kingdom

  Telephone: +44 (0)1624 618672

  email: [email protected]

  Originally published by:

  MacAdam/Cage

  155 Sansome Street, Suite 550

  San Francisco, CA 94104

  www.macadamcage.com

  Copyright © 2003 by Michael Kun

  ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Kun, Michael, 1962—

  The Locklear letters / a novel / by Michael Kun

  p. cm.

  ISBN 1-931561-36-2(Hardcover : alk. paper)

  1. Fan mail—Fiction. 2. Locklear, Heather—Correspondence—Fiction. I.

  Title.

  PS3561.U446L63 2003

  813’.54—dc21

  Book design by Dorothy Carico Smith.

  Publisher’s Note: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, living ordead, is entirely coincidental.

  For my sister Marilyn and brother Steve

  FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW

  Dear Heather,

  Can you do me a favor?

  You may or may not remember me. We were classmates at UCLA before you went off to become an actress. See if this rings a bell: I dated your sorority sister, Tracy Swid, for a while sophomore year. Remember her? Brown hair, brown eyes. You and I were in a political science class together, too, if I recall correctly. Professor Katz. He fell asleep once during a lecture. Does that help?

  Anyway, my brother, Tom, is a HUGE fan of yours. Not just “Melrose Place,” but your other TV shows, too (“T.J. Hooker.” “Dynasty.” I don’t know why I just listed them—you already know the names of the shows you were on).

  I hate to impose, but Tom’s birthday is coming up soon. Would it be possible for you to send me an autographed photograph so I can give it to him for his birthday? It would be the perfect gift for him! (He’s married, don’t worry.)

  Thanks in advance for your help. I hope all is well with you these days. Maybe I’ll see you at the reunion next fall.

  Go Bruins!

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  P.S. You haven’t kept in touch with Tracy by any chance, have you? I hadn’t thought of her in years, until I started writing this note.

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Heather,

  I just put a letter in the mail asking for an autographed picture for my brother’s birthday, and it occurred to me that I might not have given you my address. Obviously, I wasn’t thinking.

  Anyway, my home address is:

  Mr. Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  You could also send it to me at my work address, if you prefer:

  Mr. Sid Straw

  Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing

  Empire Software

  29915-C Industrial Parkway

  Greenbelt, Maryland 21883

  Thanks again.

  Go Bruins!

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  P.S. I’d hate for you to think I was trying to impress you by including “Regional Vice President” in my business address. It’s just that you’ve got to give the guys in the mailroom as much help as possible if you want to get your mail. As it is, half my mail goes to Sam Haller in Development. Only God knows why or how. It’s not as if our names rhyme or something!

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Heather,

  It’s been about three or four weeks since I sent a note off to you asking for an autographed picture for my brother’s birthday. Unfortunately, I haven’t heard from you yet—unless the guys in the mailroom misplaced something. I’ve checked with them a couple times, and they’ve assured me that nothing came. Who knows whether I should believe them. Most of my mail ends up being delivered to Sam Haller in Development. Only God knows why or how.

  Anyway, I hate to be a nuisance, but Tom’s birthday is coming up in about a month. Would it be possible for you to stick an autographed picture in the mail in the next few weeks? From one Bruin to another, I’d owe you a favor.

  Thanks, and best wishes.

  Your friend,

  Sid Straw

  P.S. Home address:

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, MD 21201

  Work address: Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing

  Empire Software

  29915-C Industrial Parkway

  Greenbelt, MD 21883

  FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW

  Dear Sam,

  You haven’t received any of my mail lately, have you? I’ve been expecting a package from a friend in L.A. I’d appreciate it if you could get back to me ASAP.

  Thanks,

  Sid Straw

  FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW

  Dear Sam,

  No, I wasn’t accusing you of anything. It’s just that the mailroom has a bad habit of delivering my mail to you.

  If the package should happen to come to you, I’d appreciate it if you’d forward it to me.

  Thanks,

  Sid Straw

  FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW

  Dear Sam,

  Thanks for forwarding the package.

  Sid

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Mr. Riceborough:

  Thank you for having your office forward an autographed picture of Heather Locklear to me.

  Unfortunately, I’m afraid it’s not Heather’s autograph at all. It appears to be one produced by a rubber stamp. In fact, if you look closely, you can see the corner of the stamp itself where someone pressed too hard.

  I’m returning the photograph to you. I sincerely hope you’ve been forwarding my letters to Heather, as I’ve requested. As she will tell you, we are old college friends. I’m sure she’d be happy to sign a picture for my brother, Tom. (His birthday is only a few weeks away now.)

  Thank you for your cooperation.

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW

  To the Mailroom,

  For some reason, much of my mail is being delivered to Sam Haller in Development by mistake. I would appreciate it if you would use more care to ensure that my mail reaches me.

  Thank you,

  Sid Straw

  Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Heather,

  How about this—I’ll swap you an autographed picture of ME for an autographed picture of YOU?

  I’ve enclosed an autographed picture of me (it was taken at Ocean City last summer—I’m the one on the left). I’m sure you’ll want to frame it and put it on your desk!

  I’d appreciate it if you could send the autographed picture as soon as possible—Tom’s birthday is right around the corner, as they say.

  Thanks,

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Ma
ryland 21201

  Dear Mr. Riceborough:

  Thank you for forwarding an autographed picture of Heather. It is most appreciated. I’m sure it’ll be his favorite birthday present (although he’ll have to pretend otherwise in front of his wife!).

  Please thank Heather for me when you speak with her next. (Of course, being a gentleman, I’ll send her a personal thank-you note.) Also, please ask her if she’ll be attending our college reunion. Maybe you could encourage her to go. It wouldn’t be the same without her!

  Thank you again.

  Best wishes,

  Sid Straw

  FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW

  Dear Sam,

  Thank you for forwarding the package from Frank Riceborough. I’d appreciate it, however, if you wouldn’t open packages that are addressed to me.

  Thanks again,

  Sid

  FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW

  To the Mailroom:

  My mail is still being delivered to Sam Haller. I would appreciate it if you would take steps to correct this immediately.

  Thank you,

  Sid Straw

  Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Heather,

  I just wanted to send you a quick note to thank you for forwarding an autographed picture for Tom’s birthday. It is a beautiful picture. You still look terrific. In fact, if you don’t mind me saying so, you’ve gotten even prettier since our school days. I mean that sincerely. (Me, I’m not sure anyone would recognize any longer! Less hair, much more weight, as you can tell from the picture I sent you. It looks like I’ve got an inflatable pool toy under my shirt these days.)

  Please thank your agent Frank Riceborough for his help in getting the picture to me. I’m sure it’ll be Tom’s favorite birthday present (although he’ll have to pretend otherwise in front of his wife!).

  Again, many thanks.

  By the way, I just remembered something you used to do in college that would make me smile. Whenever someone would say “Goodbye” to you, instead of saying “Goodbye,” you’d just wave and say, “Eat Wheaties!” Do you remember that? Better yet, do you still DO that? At this moment, I’m imagining you saying that to someone on the set of Melrose Place, and I can’t help but smile.

  Hope all’s well with you these days. Take care of yourself.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  P.S. Have you heard from Tracy Swid lately?

  • UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •

  Dear Classmate:

  Believe it or not, our 20-year reunion is coming up this fall. It certainly doesn’t seem like it’s been 20 years, does it? If you’re anything like me, your memories of college are as fresh as if they happened 20 months ago, not 20 years.

  The reunion committee has been working hard to organize the events for our homecoming weekend. Of course, the Bruins will be playing football on Saturday. This year, we’ll be playing—or, more accurately, we’ll be beating—Oregon State. There will be a pre-game luncheon for our class at the Pauley Pavilion. The reunion dinner will be held in the main banquet hall at the Los Angeles Hilton. We are still making arrangements for our Sunday brunch.

  I am enclosing some information about the events, along with a list of hotels and special room rates. Make sure to pencil the weekend down on your calendar. Better yet, do it in pen!

  Looking forward to seeing you this fall.

  Go Bruins!

  Sincerely,

  Sid Straw

  Co-Chairperson, Reunion Committee

  • UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •

  Dear Sarah,

  As we discussed, I’ve made the arrangements for all of the reunion events except the Sunday brunch, which you are planning. I have also sent a letter out to all of our classmates.

  I appreciate you’re very busy, but I think it would be best if we tried to coordinate our efforts better. After all, we are co-chairpersons.

  Please call me at your earliest convenience so that we can coordinate our schedules. Let’s make this the best reunion ever!

  Very truly yours,

  Sid Straw

  Dear Tom,

  A poem for your birthday:

  I love you in blue,

  I love you in red,

  But most of all,

  I love you in blue.

  Happy birthday! Hope you like your gift!

  Love,

  Your older (and smarter) brother,

  Sid

  P.S. Subliminal message: divorce Janet, divorce Janet, divorce Janet, divorce Janet.

  P.P.S. Janet, if you read this card, I’m kidding about the P.S. (at least as far as you know).

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Heather,

  I can’t begin to tell you what a hit your autographed picture was at Tom’s birthday party last night. (I hope you don’t mind, but I decided to “personalize” it for Tom. Over your signature, I had one of the women in Payroll write, “To Tom, I hope you’re as cute as your brother!” Her handwriting matched yours perfectly!)

  Anyway, we had the party at our parents’ house in Towson. I don’t know what it’s like for you, but it’s still very strange for me to go back to my parents’ home. On the one hand, it’s like nothing’s changed: the same wallpaper, the same photographs, the same faux Hawaiian kitchen table my parents bought thirty years ago. On the other hand, everything’s different. Everything, including my parents, is smaller now. It’s as if God never wants you to see anything in its true size. Does that make sense?

  It was just me, my girlfriend Kate, Tom, Janet (his wife—she looks a bit like Cathy Riordan from your old sorority, now that I think of it), our parents (or smaller versions of them), our sister Amy, who flew in from Cincinnati with her fiancé, Will, and a few of Tom’s friends—Jim Something, Tony Something-Else, Fred Who-Knows and their wives. We had dinner (my mother is still the worst cook in Maryland—I swear she could burn water), then we had birthday cake and champagne. After we ate, Tom opened his presents. It’s amazing how hard it is to find a gift for a 35-year-old—and Tom’s presents showed it. Golf balls, a golf book, a CD by someone I’ve never heard of (but you probably have). Finally, he opened my gift. You could tell he loved it (but he had to pretend otherwise because Janet was right there!). Your inscription (okay, my inscription) got a big laugh.

  Again, my thanks. I owe you a favor. Maybe you could use some computer software?

  Take care. Looking forward to seeing you at the reunion.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Mom,

  Thanks for the GREAT meal last night. You’re still the best cook in the entire state of Maryland! And thanks, too, for being so nice to Kate. I know you were a bit upset that she didn’t eat more of your lasagna, but I think she was just nervous about meeting you for the first time. I assure you that the fact that she started choking when she first took a bite of your lasagna has nothing to do with her opinion of the lasagna, which was FANTASTIC, but probably has more to do with her having an unusually narrow throat, which makes it hard for her to swallow. I’m sure you’ll hit it off with her next time.

  Tell Dad the book he got for Tom looks like it’s very interesting. I’ll bet it was Tom’s favorite gift!

  Thanks again for a lovely dinner.

  Love,

  Sid

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Heather,

  I should have mentioned this before, but I’m going to be in Los Angeles for our annual software convention next week. I know you’re probably very busy, but if you have a moment it’d be great to get together for a bite to eat or for drinks. I’ll b
e staying at the Courtyard Marriott in Century City. I don’t have the number handy, but I’m sure it’s listed in the phone book. Give me a call there if you can break free for a while. (Unlike you, who I presume has to use a fake name wherever you go, I’ll be registered under my own, God-given name. Hopefully no computer groupies will be hanging out at the hotel, clamoring for my autograph!)

  Hope we can get together.

  Eat Wheaties!

  Sid Straw

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Tom,

  The P.S. about divorcing Janet was meant to be a joke. In fact, didn’t my note specifically SAY that it was a joke?!?!?

  Sid

  Sid Straw

  2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230

  Baltimore, Maryland 21201

  Dear Heather,

  A heads-up: Janet, Tom’s wife, has accused me of writing the inscription on your autographed picture. I denied it, which is true: I DIDN’T write the inscription; Carole in Payroll did.

  Anyway, Janet says she knows someone who knows someone else who has some connection to the agency that represents you. She says she’s going to find out if you wrote the inscription or not. I told her she could go right ahead. I don’t know if she’ll do it or not—in fact, I doubt she will—but I wanted to give you some advance warning. Forewarned is forearmed, as they say. (I think Dwight D. Eisenhower said that. Or maybe it was Popeye. I always get them confused. Which one of them said, “I yam what I yam?”)

  In any event, in the unlikely event that Janet Dubose contacts you or your agent—she kept her maiden name, “Dubose,” so don’t expect a call from “Janet Straw”—I’d appreciate it if you (or your agent) would tell her that yes, you did write the inscription.