The Locklear Letters Page 3
Third, all of this could have been avoided had Mr. Riceborough performed a relatively simple task—handing my personal letters to Heather Locklear, my college classmate. If a dog can deliver a newspaper to its owner, then certainly Mr. Riceborough is capable of delivering a few letters—or could be trained to do it!
In the interest of avoiding any more conflict with Mr. Riceborough, I will direct any future correspondence for Heather (should there in fact be any future correspondence) to your law firm.
Very truly yours,
Sid Straw
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
To the Mailroom:
This isn’t complicated.
Anything addressed to “Sid Straw” should be delivered to “Sid Straw.”
Anything addressed to “Sam Haller” should be delivered to “Sam Haller.”
It couldn’t be any simpler.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
Dear Sam,
Please stop with the “Mr. Locklear” jokes. I don’t appreciate them, and I am sure that Heather and her husband wouldn’t either.
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Callahan:
I am in receipt of the restraining order you obtained from the Los Angeles County Superior Court.
This is outrageous. I will be meeting with my lawyer later this week to discuss this matter. Before I do, let me say that your conduct in this matter is exactly why everyone—and I mean EVERYONE—hates lawyers.
You’ll be hearing from my lawyer shortly.
Very truly yours,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Buckner:
Thank you for meeting with me last evening to discuss my current legal situation. I was very impressed by your qualifications—I was joking when I said I’d never heard of Yale Law School! However, I am afraid I cannot afford your $320 per hour rate (unless you can resolve this matter for me in eight minutes or less!). Again, I’m joking, of course.
Again, my thanks. I’m sure I’ll be able to find legal representation elsewhere.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Evans:
Thank you for speaking with me this afternoon about the possibility of providing me legal representation. Unfortunately, I cannot afford your rate of $275 per hour—unless you can resolve this matter in 12 minutes or less! (Of course, I’m joking.)
I will try to handle the matter myself.
Again, thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Ms. Burleson:
Thank you for meeting with me this morning to discuss my current legal situation. I was very impressed by your qualifications, and I assure you that, contrary to my joke, I indeed am familiar with Duke University. Unfortunately, however, I’m afraid I cannot afford your $270-per-hour rate at the present time (unless you can resolve the matter for me in 10 minutes or less!).
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Fisk:
Thank you for meeting with me yesterday to discuss my legal situation. While I had never before heard of the John Morris School of Law, I am sure it’s a fine institution. Furthermore, your rate of $100 per hour sounds exceedingly reasonable.
I will be in touch with you once I make a decision about who will represent me in this most serious matter.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Ms. Daugherty:
I wanted to write to follow up on our telephone conversation this morning wherein I inquired about the John Morris School of Law. I have two questions:
1) Who is John Morris?
2) What did you mean when you said, “Our school is not accredited at the present time”?
I will look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Schultz:
Thank you for answering my questions about Mr. Kevin Fisk’s status with the Maryland State Bar. I would appreciate it if you would inform me if and when his license to practice law is ever restored.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Fisk:
I am writing to inform you that I have decided not to retain you to assist me with my current legal situation. It does not sound like a particularly complicated matter. As such, I will represent myself.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. A “heads-up”: the State Bar might be contacting you about practicing law without a license. I sincerely apologize if I said anything I shouldn’t have.
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
To the Skylar Publishing Company:
Enclosed is a check for $76.95 for the following items:
1) The Layman’s Guide to Law
2) Represent Yourself!
3) The Do-It Yourself Guide to Restraining Orders.
The check includes shipping and handling charges.
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Flower Land
I love you very much and wish you all the best
on this special day. You are a wonderful woman.
Love,
Ted
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Callahan:
I apologize for the tone of my last letter. I understand that you were merely doing your job and are required to follow your client’s wishes, just as I must do in my job.
In any event, you have my word that I will comply with the restraining order and will not venture within 100 yards of Mr. Riceborough. (Of course, since I don’t know what he looks like, it’s conceivable it could happen by accident—conceivable, but unlikely, since I live 2,000 miles away).
As I indicated in prior correspondence, I will send any letters for Heather to you. I trust you will forward them to her promptly and remind you that they are personal in nature.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Heather,
I don’t know if anyone has informed you about what’s been happening with me and Frank Riceborough. I can’t even begin to tell you how disturbing (and embarrassing) this has been for me. In 41 years, I’ve never had a single run-in with the police. I like to think I’ve led a fairly honest and lawful existence. Now, all of a sudden, someone I’ve never even met has obtained a restraining order against me from the Los Angeles County Superior Court.
In any event, here’s my concern: generally, I have no problem complying with a restraining order requiring me to stay 100 yards away from Mr. Riceborough. After all, he lives in L.A., and I live in Baltimore. However, it’s just occurred to me that I’ll be out in L.A. for our reunion this fall. (Go Bruins!) I’d appreciate it if you could make sure that Mr. Riceboro
ugh stays away from the airport and the UCLA campus that weekend. I’d hate to bump into him accidentally and get thrown in the clinker. I can’t imagine I’d survive for five minutes in jail. They’d eat me alive!
In other news, Kate’s still not taking my telephone calls. I wonder, did she call you or write to you? If so, I hope you had kind things to say about me, as I certainly do about you.
Looking forward to seeing you at the reunion (assuming the restraining order won’t prohibit me from attending!).
Eat Wheaties!
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Buckner:
I received a bill in the mail in the amount of $320 for “1 hour– Legal advice.”
I believe this bill was sent in error. First, I was under the impression that you were providing me with a free consultation. Second, our meeting only lasted for 15 minutes (from 6:20 p.m. to 6:35 p.m., according to the Yale University clock behind your desk).
I am returning the bill herewith.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mr. Buckner:
Contrary to the assertions in your letter, I did NOT agree that I would pay you for your consultation. Furthermore, didn’t they teach you how to tell time at Yale? Fifteen minutes is NOT an hour! It never has been, and it never will be!
Your threat to contact a collection agency is ridiculous. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Skylar Publishing Company:
There appears to have been an error in the order you shipped to me. Instead of sending me the books I requested relating to restraining orders, you sent me the following books, all of which I am returning herewith:
1) The Young Lovers’ Guide to Restraints
2) Lusty German Nursing Students Get Tied Up!
3) Spank Me! Harder! Harder!
(The spine on the last of these books was already broken when I received it).
I ordered the following books:
1) The Layman’s Guide to Law
2) Represent Yourself!
3) The Do-It Yourself Guide to Restraining Orders
I would appreciate it if you would rush them to me as soon as possible as I have a legal matter that requires my immediate attention.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
Dear Sam,
Thank you for forwarding the package from Skylar Publishing Company to me. Although I’m disappointed that you opened a package that was clearly addressed to me, I wanted to assure you that I did not order those books. They were sent to me in error, and I am returning them today.
Best wishes,
Sid Straw
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
To the Mailroom:
I AM SID STRAW! SAM HALLER IS NOT SID STRAW! SHOULD THAT STATUS CHANGE, I WILL INFORM YOU IMMEDIATELY. IN THE MEANTIME, PLEASE DELIVER MY MAIL TO ME!
Thank you,
Sid Straw
Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Luker Collection Agency:
Enclosed is a check for $320.00.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
P.S. Would you mind giving a message to Mr. Buckner for me? The message is as follows: YALE SUCKS! Thank you.
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dear Mom,
I am very upset to learn that you and Dad had such an ugly argument on Mother’s Day, and that he has taken a room at the Holiday Inn. I love you both very much and wish you felt comfortable talking with me about the argument. Perhaps I could help.
Love,
Sid
P.S. On a different, less important note, you’ve never said a word about the flowers I sent you for Mother’s Day. Did you receive them?
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Skylar Publishing Company:
I did NOT read the copy of Spank Me! Harder! Harder! that your company erroneously sent me. As I told you in my previous correspondence, the spine was already broken when I received it. If you are looking for a culprit, I suggest you start with the people in your shipping department.
In the meantime, would you kindly send the books for which I have already paid?
Thank you.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
Dear Sam,
You didn’t happen to read Spank Me! Harder! Harder! before forwarding it to me, did you?
The publishing company is refusing to take it back on the grounds that the spine is broken.
Sid
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To Flower Land:
I can’t believe what you just did! This time you delivered flowers to my mother on Mother’s Day with a note from “Ted,” instead of “Sid.” How may times do I have to tell you that my name is SID?! My parents’ next-door neighbor is named Ted! You can’t imagine the problems you have caused!
If you can’t get a simple card right, you shouldn’t be in the floral business!
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
Dad,
I already said I’m sorry about 100 times. Please accept my apology. And please apologize to the next-door neighbors for me again.
Love,
Sid
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
Dear Sam,
I was not accusing you of being a pervert.
I’m sorry if there was a miscommunication.
Sid Straw
Sid Straw
2748 Palmeyer Street Apt. 230
Baltimore, Maryland 21201
To the Skylar Publishing Company:
I am in receipt of your package in which you forwarded copies of The Layman’s Guide to Law, Represent Yourself!…and Spank Me! Harder! Harder!
As I have told you before, I did NOT order the last of these books, nor did I read it when you erroneously sent it to me. THE SPINE WAS ALREADY BROKEN!
Furthermore, I do not understand why you sent this package to my office address, instead of my home address. The package was opened by my assistant, Jeanne, who was shocked, to say the least. This has caused me unnecessary embarrassment at work. In fact, I have been asked to meet with the President of the Company tomorrow to discuss this matter.
Please be advised that I will never do business with your company again.
Sincerely,
Sid Straw
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
Dear Bob,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to present my version of the unfortunate incident that occurred in the office yesterday. Jeanne has every reason to be upset. I’m just as upset as she is. You’ve known me for a long time, Bob, and you know how hard-working and dedicated I am. I’m in early every day, I hardly ever take a vacation, I don’t make long-distance calls or use the company’s e-mail system for personal matters, I don’t waste hours telling jokes in the coffee room like some of our colleagues do. I am as committed as ever to making Empire Software #1!
You have my word as a gentleman and a colleague that I did not order a copy of Spank Me! Harder! Harder!, nor have I ever had pornographic materials sent to the office. It was sent to me in error.
I will apologize to Jeanne, as
you suggested. Furthermore, if you will return the book to me, I will send it back to Skylar Publishing with a very stern note.
Thank you for your understanding.
Sincerely,
Sid
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
Dear Jeanne,
I just wanted to write a short note to apologize for the unusual and upsetting incident in the office the other day. I assure you that I did not order a copy of Spank Me! Harder! Harder! It was sent to me in error. I am just as disturbed as you are, and I have already sent a stern note to the publisher about its error and the ruckus it has caused.
I hope we can return to work as normal.
Sincerely,
Sid
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW
To the Mailroom,
Thank you for finally delivering my mail to me, instead of Sam Haller.
Sid Straw
Regional Vice President, Sales and Marketing
• UCLA REUNION COMMITTEE •
Dear Sarah,
Any progress on finding a spot for the reunion brunch?
Sid
Flower Land
Mom,
FlowerLand has kindly agreed to send you this bouquet to apologize
for the mixup with the note attached
to your Mother’s Day flowers. I hope you enjoy them.
I’m sorry to have ruined Mother’s Day.
Love,
Sid
FROM THE DESK OF SID STRAW